I made you a post of bootlegs and B-Sides

In case you haven't heard -- and if you haven't, now really, have you been hiding in an Internet cave? -- everybody's favorite single reviewing service is back from the dead like Pimp C. Yes, after extensive chats between Ed Okulicz, Will Swygart and I, and an even longer rounding up of the Internet's best music writers, we launched the thing, and it's been back running for, oh, a few months now. What, I didn't mention it? I'm so careless.

The Singles Jukebox: now more alive than Pimp C, still not as trill

Anyway, it's at The Singles Jukebox and I'm writing plenty, so check it out. It also has a Twitter, which you should follow.

And, as unusual as it may seem, there are times when even my blurbs are left on the cutting room floor. What follows is a selection of my out takes.

(Before we begin, however, I should point out a massive Asher Roth feature/j'accuse I wrote for the Passion of the Weiss and never mentioned. Now that Roth has flopped miserably and we can all be free of him, it's a lot less relevant, but I hope you'll take a look at me putting one more boot into one of white peoples' more useless contributions to hip-hop. Here: Putting Asher Roth on Double Secret Probation.)

Anyways. On to the single reviews:

Britney Spears - If You Seek Amy

The tune is as cheap as the title's entendre, but "If You Seek Amy" is far superior to, and less silly than, its melodic predecessor, "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite." Spears returns to some well worn tricks in an attempt to breathe some life into the thing, but her old stand-by interjection "Baby, baby" and the half-hearted and strangely inconsistent attempts to make Amy an actual character only go so far. Not actually unpleasant, but "Amy" is up there with songs about her spiritual sister Mary Jane in having the primary function of allowing teenagers to gigglingly ask one another "Do you get it?"
[4]

Demi Lovato - Don't Forget

So this starts off like some quirky indie chick along the lines of Regina Spektor or something, which was OK, but after talking coy and making eyes for a couple minutes, she suddenly blasts into a gigantic Paramore-via-Michelle Branch hook, which had me asking myself, "Hey Jonathan, what kind of quirky indie chick is stupid and awesome enough to shove an enormous and unexpected pop-punk bit into her already quite pleasant song?" And that sent me over to Wikipedia, which counts as research for lazy music writers, and it turns out she's some Disney girl in Camp Rock with the Jonas Brothers. And I'm all like, "Fuck this, I don't need to be going around liking another Miley Cyrus." But then Lovato finishes her noisy guitar section and she whispers "Don't forget" all hurt and sad like, and, OK, fine, I like it.
[8]

Pink - Please Don't Leave Me

I can't quite believe I'm saying this, but I think I actually sort of like this new Pink single. And because Pink and her always unpleasant tantrums usually prompt an instant [0] from me, I'll say it again: I actually sort of like this new Pink single. "Please Don't Leave Me" has the world's most tiresome chronicler of celeb-life (who isn't a white rapper from Detroit) sounding actually sweet, and sweetly confused. When she sings "How did I become so obnoxious?" I pretend she's apologizing for the most-extensive run of deeply irritating pop music this decade. Darn it, I almost want to give her a hug. But Pink, though I'd love to award you a clean slate, this cute little number can't make me simply forget about the depths you've plumbed with, say, "Stupid Girls," "Just Like a Pill" and "Dear Mr. President." Besides, you go way overboard on the "da da-da da da" bits.
[6]

Herman Dune - On A Saturday

Hey Herman, John Darnielle called. He wants his steez back.
[6]

Summer Jamz '09/Instant Gratification: We Did It 4 Cheap

Hey guys, remember the magnificent Summer of 2008, when I took over Summer Jamz and made it, with some help from Jeff Weiss at The Passion of the Weiss, a Screw Rock 'n' Roll extravaganza? Well, if you haven't been checking out the Passion of late, I should let you know: Summer Jamz is back for 2009. It's going down over in Jeff's hood this time around, and I urge you to check it out; I'm still running things, and we've got some really great mixes coming up over the next few weeks.

But though everything else will be up over there, I thought I'd republish my mix here. This is a step up from my previous Instant Gratification mixes I reckon, so if you've enjoyed those, or even if you haven't, get this one into your life. And while you're doing so, take a look at these as well:

Alfred Soto & Tal Rosenberg – Risottoberg
Todd Burns - Crambe Repetita - Long
Sach O - The Summersault Mix
Dan Love - Summer Madness Mix

(And here is mine. Originally posted at The Passion of the Weiss.

Summer Jamz ’09: Instant Gratification: We Did It 4 Cheap
by Jonathan Bradley

Download

Summer’s a mess, this year more than ever. Not only do we have to cope with the usual mix of baking heat, overexcited crowds and a seemingly never-ending run of bad television, the warm months of 2009 come packaged with a recession swamping the globe, a Swine flu pandemic and Dick Cheney hanging around like he’s Fonzie and we’re Mr. C. Happy days indeed.

Thank god for Summer Jamz. Fresh off a Memorial Day honored by frequenting sketchy nightclubs, imbibing copious quantities of alcohol (etc.) and getting excited about being able to wear white again, we at the Passion of the Weiss have knuckled down to work and set about making sure your summer is accompanied by a steady stream of great music, even if it should also be accompanied by unemployment and your neighbors catching their death from a slight cold. We’ll be delivering a summer-themed mixtape over there for the next few weeks or so.

And in addition to our Passion regulars, I’ve rounded up the cream of the Internet’s music writers, and charged them with delivering you enough tunes to last until Thanksgiving. But should you, overcome by the heady stench of sunshine and sweat, find you’ve torn too quickly through their contributions, feel free to check out the deep Summer Jamz archive. The 2008 edition was hosted here at the Passion, and prior to that, the now defunct Stylus Magazine ran the feature in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 and 2007. If you spend your summer inside reading, I’ll understand. But should you make it outdoors, stuff your iPod with these before you go.

01. [All the Money Interlude] (2:27)

Summer’s here and who has time for anything? The sun’s so bright you can’t go outside, but cooped up indoors you only feel sweaty and stuffy. The heat of the day makes people tetchy, and when the night arrives, the clubs are stuffed with sticky revelers partying too hard. It’s impossible to concentrate on anything for a long period of time, and yet you’re still expected to show up to work every day, like, why can’t your boss give you eight weeks off like they did when you were in school? Summer, more than any other season is utterly obnoxious. It has none of the soft decay of fall, the hushed chill of winter or the tentative awakening of spring. Summer is loud and hyperactive, a rush of novelty, mayhem and ever-shifting, always-fleeting moments of intense thrill. Instant Gratficiation: We Did It 4 Cheap is a mix for that kind of summer. It’s tacky and trashy and afflicted with a serious case of attention deficit disorder. As its title suggests, it’s a jumble of seemingly-thrown together pop tunes; a panoply of lurid synths, smacking beats and gratuitous repetition. It’s loud and rhythmic and opts for shouted catch phrases rather than things that require involved thought, like, you know, lyrics. This is a Summer Jam for those days when it’s too hot, and you’re too restless to concentrate on much of anything.

Kicking things off, the “All the Money” Interlude can’t decide whether it wants to get cash, get naked or just pump the bass. This mix presents strong arguments for doing all three.

02. New Young Pony Club – Ice Cream (2:52)
03. Bossman – Dance My Pain Away (2:29)

“I can give you what you want”: see why I called this Instant Gratification? “Ice Cream” is a little more tuneful than the bangers that follow, but it’s just as forthright. New Young Pony Club cropped up a few years ago as something like a non-Brazilian take on Cansei De Ser Sexy — a marketing own goal if I ever saw one —sounding like the sort of band that existed solely to soundtrack clothing commercials. But as American Apparel adverts demonstrate, sex and capitalism are a heady combination, and if done in just the right way, they’re downright delectable. If NYPC’s slick nouveau new wave reeks too much of fast money, turn instead to Bossman’s cut-rate solution. In “Dance My Pain Away” the Baltimore rapper details a litany of all too authentic hardships — bill collectors, rent payments, child support — but he also presents, in the title, a solution that on a warm summer night is not quite as unconvincing as might be suspected.

04. Ms. Dynamite – Bad Gyal (3:06)
05. Kidbass ft. Sincere – Good Girls Love Rude Boys (2:36)
06. Jimmy Jones – Watch Out for the Big Girl (3:11)

My copy of “Dance My Pain Away” is also credited to Baltimore DJ Rod Lee; any extra enjoyable mixing it features may safely be assumed to be his work rather than mine. In fact, you’ll find more than a few DJ tags strewn throughout this mix, including the “Radio One” stamp that graces Ms. Dynamite’s astoundingly good “Bad Gyal” —I can’t find a copy of this song without it. I know what you’re thinking, though: Ms. Dynamite? Well, she might have won a Mercury Prize, but her new single is actually thrilling, a feverish cocktail of thwacking dancehall beats, squealing violins and riled-up, combative toasting. Following it is a couple more meditations on one of dance music’s preferred subjects: girls. Kidbass bluntly declares the good ones like rude boys, while Jimmy Jones warns about the big ones. With the kind of beats these guys have, I’m inclined to believe anything they have to say on the matter; whatever else they know about girls, they seem to have a good idea about how to get them dancing.

07. Pink Dollaz – I'm Tasty (2:37)
08. Pitbull – Jealouso (4:03)

Pink Dollaz are apparently at the vanguard of some new Los Angeles dance trend known as “jerkin’,” my exposure to which consists entirely of mp3 downloads and YouTube videos. It seems to be typified by looped vocals and bass heavy drum machine beats, which means you can check off two items on your Regional Rap Bingo game (you can put a tick next to explicit sexual references, too, if you like). Given my cursory knowledge, I understand if you want to call me a cultural tourist, but in my defense — who has the money for real tourism these days? Even from the other side of the Pacific Ocean, however, I can tell you that the girls in Pink Dollaz sound like the type Dwayne “Pussy Monster” Carter would be into; “I’m Tasty” is not meant metaphorically. For those into less explicit chatter and tourism that doesn’t involve peer-to-peer traded zip files, Pitbull has a language lesson for you. In Spanish, you see, boys are “jealouso,” while girls are “jealousa.” Take notes; this will be in the exam.

09. Crystal Castles vs HEALTH – Crimewave (3:37)
10. Major Lazer ft. Santigold – Hold the Line (3:12)

I’ll tell you absolutely everything you need to know about “Crimewave” in seven words: “I first heard it on Gossip Girl.” Crystal Castles’ crumbling electro-pop is a polar opposite to the “Apache”-derived dancehall of “Hold the Line” but the two have in common a brutal directness that allows them to hammer their way directly through your eardrums and into your brain.

11. M.I.A. – Bird Flu (3:19)
12. [Swine Flu Interlude] (0:24)
13. Rollin' G – Swine Flu Skank (2:39)

”Bird Flu” isn’t called “Bird Flu” because it’s infectious or anything. Influenza, whatever the strain, is straight up repulsive, and everything about “Bird Flu” fits that description. Clattering drums, obnoxious squawks and M.I.A.’s chants are individually as uninviting as a deadly disease, but in combination they turn out to be thrillingly discombobulating. Swine Flu, the contemporary contagion, isn’t so inventive, but it’s even more deadly. Rollin’ G’s “Swine Flu” is a song created by the British marketing company Uproar, but it works as well as a dance craze as it does a public service announcement. Lyrics that rhyme “tissue” with “that’s the issue” would usually give the game away, but instead add to the verisimilitude; what’s a UK dance song without a suspect lyric or two?

14. BBU – Chi Don't Dance (3:22)
15. Rye Rye ft. M.I.A. – Bang (DJ Booman Remix) (3:11)

Back to mining local American dance trends: in this case, two house derivations. “Chi Don’t Dance” is oddly mournful for a juke song, and seems even post-apocalyptic coming on the heels of the literal emergency warning that is “Swine Flu Skank.” The sparseness doesn’t stop it being wildly catchy however, and Rye Rye’s “Bang” follows soon after to cheer up the proceedings. I favor the Booman remix of that song; it seems to make better use of its Baltimore Club components than the more frenetic original.

16. Wiley – Wearing My Rolex (2:12)
17. DJ Class ft. Kanye West – I'm the Shit (Remix) (4:17)
18. Black Eyed Peas – Boom Boom Pow/Black Eyed Peas ft. Gucci Mane & 50 Cent - Boom Boom Pow (Remix) (4:52)
19. K.I.G. – Head, Shoulders, Knees N Toes (4:11)

More Club music here, in the form of DJ Class’s “I’m the Shit.” The tune, with its autotune verses, had more than enough of a basis on its own for crossover status, but Kanye West’s appearance guaranteed its success. DJ Class boasts of having “Diamonds on my neck, Patron in my cup,” but musically, he seems the model of modesty in this company. Wiley and K.I.G. wield bright, blurting keyboard riffs and foolish refrains, but even they are restrained compared to the Black Eyed Peas’ near-guaranteed song of the summer. The popularity of “Boom Boom Pow” is no surprise, but its quality is; will.i.am., Fergie et al have always been unashamedly retarded, but they’ve never been this enjoyable. “Boom Boom Pow” is not so much music as it is fireworks: awesome display and a succession of loud noises. Don’t worry: in less than a millennium, all music will sound like this. B.E.P. is so three-thousand-and-eight, while the rest of us struggle to even be two-thousand-and-late.

20. Rich Boy – Drop (2:49)
21. No Age – Teen Creeps(3:23)

Two different approaches to aural assault: the monster truck bass/jackhammer vocal loop combination of “Drop”, or the bubblegum white noise of “Teen Creeps.” It’s an odd pairing of songs, but I think it works. On first exposure, both seem unlistenable, but soon each reveals itself to be indispensible. Polow Da Don’s “A Milli” rip is more distinctive than most regurgitations of the formula, while Rich Boy’s snarled suggestion that women appropriate cocaine as a crash dieting technique is as sordid and as memorable as No Age’s scuzzed-up guitar blast.

22. Turf Talk ft. E-40 & B-Legit – Doe Boy (3:08)
23. E-40 ft. The Federation – Go Hard or Go Home (3:03)
24. Young Buck ft. Lil' Scrappy – Money in the Bank (3:51)

And hip-hop’s love affair with the bass drum continues. First comes a pair of tunes from Bay Area rappers Turf Talk and E-40, typified by smacking drums and pleonastic verses. It’s the classic hyphy combination of left-field lyrics paired with maximalist low-end thump; in North California, going dumb is only half the story. “Dumb” is too kind a description for Young Buck’s “Money in the Bank,” however; with its brutalist, three note riff, and cash-register prelude, this hews closer to being irredeemably brain-dead. By that I mean it’s utterly irresistible, of course.

25. Nina Sky – On Some Bullshit (2:55)

This may be a little sweeter than the rest of this mix, but I like to think you deserve a little dessert after your main. And what could be sweeter? The return of Nina Sky comes with a less compelling tune than the Coolie Dance riddim of “Move Your Body,” but its chorus could not be more contagious. The Albino sisters discover something every elementary student understands: there is little more fun to be had than letting fly with a stream of unnecessary curse words. I hope your more wild summer nights end with this blaring out some nearby stereo so you can shout along, over and over: “I’m on some bullshit, fuck what you heard.” It’s even better than cake and ice cream.

26. [XOXO Interlude] (0:29)

As with all good things, even summer must come to an end. You know you love me.

DECLARE INDEPENDENCE

Soundtrack the revolution: Björk - Declare Independence

I’ve got to tell you, Screw Rock ‘n’ Rollers, I’m getting a little impatient. This is the fourth Queen’s Birthday message I’ve posted on this blog, and though I don’t want to have to be posting many more of them, I fear I might have to. The first two posts, in 2006 and 2007 were, if you remember (and I’m sure you do), bitter and angry, weighed down with the hopelessness of the task of freeing Australia from the clutches of a foreign monarch our then-leader ardently admired. But my message last year was optimistic; we’d just elected a Republican Prime Minister, of a party who had the creation of an Australian Republic as part of its platform, and the Opposition was on the verge of electing as their leader Malcolm Turnbull, the former leader of the Australian Republican Movement (and subsequently did so). Sure, Kevin Rudd, the PM, had said a republic wasn’t a first term priority for him, and that was fair enough. It took some time to wake the country up from Howard-era futility.

But now? It’s seeming like we just hit our collective snooze button on the issue. Rudd seems as uninterested in bringing about change as his Monarchist predecessor, and Turnbull, in a genuine Judas moment, said he thinks we should wait until England’s Queen dies before we sever our ties with her institution. It is true that little would convince Australians to finally abandon our passion for apathy (well, on this issue, anyway) like the prospect of a King Charles as our sovereign; we’d probably feel compelled to give each other continuous wedgies until we all stopped looking like such dweebs.

But this is the wrong approach to take. Not only is it profoundly wrong for Australia to gain its maturity by default; not only would we be denying ourselves the opportunity to declare to a woman with a sense of entitlement so great that the sun does not set on it and who hasn’t done a single worthwhile thing in her entire life, that we are no longer willing to cling to the hem of her gown like some groveling pack of pseudo-Englishmen; we would be putting off a fundamentally important piece of governmental reform that needed to happen a long time ago.

Australians are a pragmatic people who do not like to change things unless we are forced to. We like to think our system works.

It does not work. We do have to change things.

We have had two Constitutional crises in the past four decades. The more famous of the two, the dismissal of Prime Minister Gough Whitlam by the Governor General John Kerr, is a clear systemic problem that remains a significant source of bitterness for much of the population more than thirty years later, and could easily be repeated again today. The problem in this case wasn’t, as many people believe, that Whitlam was dismissed, though that was a bad outcome to a difficult situation that should have been allowed to play itself out politically. No, the problem was that the man who chose to intervene had Constitutional authority without having popular authority. John Kerr was perfectly within his rights to dismiss the Prime Minister, just as every Governor General before or since has been. But by the 1970s, the Australian people no longer saw the Crown as a legitimate authority, and Kerr, in exercising power derived from an authority the people did not perceive as legitimate, demonstrated the weakness of our Constitution.

The Governor General is a part of our system, and as much as we wish to pretend otherwise, cannot be a mere figurehead. He or she has the role of intervening in disputes Parliament cannot solve for itself. We would hope these disputes were rare, but our system must be equipped for the emergencies our history has shown can occur. In those situations, only a Governor General who can claim to represent the interests of the people, whether because he or she has been directly elected by them, or appointed by their representatives, can properly resolve that situation. The creation of an Australian Republic will mark our final separation from our colonial masters, but it should not be about Great Britain. It should be about creating a system of Government that works for Australia.

The second constitutional crisis occurred when the Governor General Peter Hollingworth was accused of tolerating sexual abuse within the diocese he presided over while Archbishop of Brisbane. At that time he lost the support of the Australian people, but for many months refused to resign. Again, the problem derived from a disconnect between what the Constitution said on the Governor General and what the people thought of the Governor General.

Hollingworth, like all Governors General, did not represent the Australian people and had no responsibility to them. He represented the Queen, and, probably to maintain the pretence of non-interference (doing nothing is still interfering), the Queen did not recall him as her representative. By tradition, the Queen allows the Governor General to serve at the pleasure of the Prime Minister, but as the then Prime Minister Howard did not respond to the people’s displeasure with Hollingworth, Australians had no ability to engineer the dismissal of an official they had lost their trust in. This anti-democratic situation lasted until Hollingworth resigned; it could have lasted until the next election and beyond if he had not done so.

A President, on the other hand, even one with the limited duties of our current Governor General, would represent and be answerable to the people. An Australian Presidency would have safeguards designed to allow the Australian people to withdraw their endorsement of their President if need be, such as an impeachment procedure.

Ours is a system that has hung together through too much reliance on good fortune. It is time to change that. We should vote by plebiscite on an Australian Republic at the Federal election to be held next year, and move to hold a referendum at the election after that. I’ve written too many of these Queen’s Birthday posts already.

Girl Pop Saturdays #5: "You Belong With Me"

The triumphant return of Girl Pop Saturdays! Thank you for waiting patiently while I bummed around spending my Saturdays not playing pop songs. While I've been away from y'all, I found out my Grandparents have been watching these videos I've put up. Seriously. Worlds colliding here.

ANZAC Day.

April 25th is ANZAC Day, so Girl Pop Saturdays won't air this week. Enjoy the Pogues doing "And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda" instead, proving once again that no one sings songs about Australians like the Irish. I'll be sure practice real hard to give y'all something special next Saturday.

Girl Pop Saturdays #4: "Bleeding Love"

Leona Lewis cover for y'all. As I said in the Youtube info, my apologies for the high note at the end of the bridge; no apologies for any other notes.

Girl Pop Saturdays #3: Lucky

A brand new camera angle and me rocking a scarf. It couldn't be anything but Girl Pop Saturdays. This week is my cover of Britney Spears' "Lucky." It's quite possibly the best yet.

And do remember, I am happy to take requests for these. In the comment box, if you will, though my fulfilling of such requests is conditional on my ability to do a reasonable job of the song. So, nothing requiring a gigantic studio or astounding vocal gymnastics, please.

In other news, you might want to take a look over at my blogroll on the left side of your screen, where I've added a few new blogs. If your blog isn't on there and it should be, I promise I'm not dissing you on purpose. I'm just terrible with my blog roll. I only just added Alfred Soto's blog, and I should have done that about two years ago.

You also may see that I've got a link to The Singles Jukebox up. Yes, that's right, the Internet's favorite singles review column is back, with its own domain and better than ever. All your favorite writers are present (by which I mean me), dedicating to scoring every new single around the world to two decimal places. The Singles Jukebox: Like Taking Back Sunday, tell all your friends.

I've been doing some other stuff, too. Like things I have no business doing. Like writing about baseball. I know nothing about baseball, but the author of that there piece, Philly rapper Zilla Rocca made my comments look smart and well-informed. And over at Lost in Sea, my buddy Dan Weiss has put together a review out of an argument we had about Lily Allen. I'm right, of course (she's hot garbage), but I believe my definitive Allen ethering occured when I reviewed her single "Not Fair" at the Jukebox. If anything, I was too kind to her there.

Anyways, I'll try to get some original written, rather than musical content up here one of these days. Until then, you know you love me.
xoxo.